Yes, love is all you need.

As I sit here, listening to my favorite love songs, my mind is racing. I am not ashamed to admit that I adore anything having to do with love. And not Nicholas Sparks kind of love (although I do love The Notebook. JUDGE ME) and definitely not tacky Valentines Day "oh honey it's the one time of year I do something nice for you!" kind of shit. I'm talking dramatic, redioulous, brutal, unleashing love. The kind were it hurts yet is the best feeling you have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. The kind thats real. 

When I was a pre-adolescent, I became fascinated with falling in love. I saw a movie (one mentioned above) and my imagination went wild. I could not, for the life of me, stop thinking about love. So, for better or worse, I started to make up my future 'first love'; how we would meet and the whole shebang. I mean, I went to town on this fantasy! I named him and everything. 

*Que. british movie voice* His name was Josh Adams. He had dark brown hair that almost looked black yet had a hint of red (legit, this is what I wrote down in a notebook). He was fit and into animals, outdoorsy things, strong yet sensitive, and some more cliché female things. Our story was that of best friends who both love each other but never say it then find out when it's too late blah blah blah. I'm talking too much of Mr. Adams. The point is, I was in love with the idea of being in love.   

Then, when I was seventeen, I actually fell in love. It wasn't what I anticipated. I mean, my twelve year old self did a really good job writing heart breaking poetry. But the actual feeling is something is quite different. It makes you realize things you didn't before, like, how everything seems possible. It feels almost as if you have been hibernating your whole life and you just woke up. Things are brighter than they were when you were a naive child (which I miss!). You literally love this person for everything that they are and would do absolutely anything for them. Sounds crazy, but I would jump off a cliff for this kid. Me or him, it's him. He is no Josh Adams. He's better than I could have ever imagined or dreamt of. And thats the true beauty of love. It really is blind and knows no boundaries. You love people you would never think you could love. It's not a negative thing at all. It's whats so enduring about love. 

I would love to hash out all the details of my love.. well.. thats a lie. I don't want to. It's too personal, honestly. But I do, however, want to talk about my absolute belief in soul mates. The greeks believed that every human started out with four arms, legs, eyes, etc. But Zeus decided to spilt the human into two and make them spend their whole lives searching for each other. It makes sense why Zeus would torture humans, greek Gods loved showing us how inferior we are. Anyway, I'm not saying that I believe in any particular religion but somewhere in the cosmic, the soul is (or was) created.

 I like to think that souls are created in two. And every past life we have had, that other soul was with us too. Fate always brings soul mates together, but that doesn't mean that souls end up together every life. It would be wonderful if the opposite were true but nothings perfect. If it's not this life, and you've been kind and have racked up those karma points, it's your next life. And you know what bothers me? When people point out that their are a billion people on this planet so how could you possibly have a soul mate? Souls just know how to find each other. Thats the point! I sound like a whack job. Honestly, I'm not too keen on talking about what I believe in. It's too personal (I'm getting redundant). Oh well, my new boldness says "fuck it!". I'm aware not everyone will agree with me. It's called belief for a reason. 

What I have noticed, people seem more willing to give up the person they love when their younger. It's usually for selfish reasons. Then you hear from older people "successes is nothing unless you have someone to share it with" and the classic "you don't know what you have 'till it's gone". I guess its true.. youth is wasted on the young. Just like my dreams I have so much faith in love. I believe with every fiber of my being I will end up with my soul mate. I won't let go because I know I'll regret it if I didn't at least fight for him. You can have everything you think you've ever wanted, but something will be missing. You'll feel it deep down to your bones (I'm only nineteen so this is all my speculation). 

As the ever-so-famous band once sung "all you need is love" the more I think about it, the more I believe it. Although there are other factors to relationships,  I've seen soul mates end up together. And they persevere.  

Relentless Youth

I feel like this period I am in is the second most insecure time of my life. The first being the relentless brutality of puberty. But theres something about being on the bridge of college and adulthood. I recently turned nineteen and it was one of the first times (of many, most likely) that I realized I am getting older. Next year I am going to enter a whole new decade. The decade that always seemed so dazzling to me. Twenties being the perfect time for a young woman, in my eyes. So many wonderful things seem to take place in a twenty-something's life. However, I'm already missing the things I had when I was comfortable enough to say I was a teenager.

I was a pretty easy teenager. I wasn't too hormonal and even when I was I wasn't all that bad. Even as a teen, I tried my damnedest to enjoy high school and engross myself in being a kid. That's what I miss, the fact that I was still a kid in some ways. I know it's only been one semester of college and I'm still young, but these thoughts of insecurity of my actual future tends to bother me. The career I think I am destined for seems so much more lucrative and difficult. I have no doubts in myself and my ability to succeed, at all. I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that it's all up to me now. I'm an ''adult'' more then I was when I turned the legal age. 

It doesn't help that I think I chose the wrong college. I'm having such a hard time meeting people that I connect with. It's tiring, really, worrying about making friends. I felt that way when I was a freshman in high school and I feel it all over again. I thought I grew from that awkward time and now I feel as if I've fallen back there. I enjoy meeting people and talking, a lot, so why is it so hard for me? I just don't know why. 

I want to transfer but I'm afraid of leaving Manhattan. I have so many opportunities surrounding me. I mean, in one semester of school, I've seen and met over five celebrities. The list includes: Jake Gyllenhaal (I cried after, embarrassingly enough), Jessie Eisenberg, Robert Di Niro, Bradley Cooper, James Lipton, Kayne West, Two Chains (not a fan but whatever!), and that may be it. I might be missing someone. So, how many more people will I have the chance to see?! It's Manhattan. It creates dreams.

I just don't ever want to loose my sense of wonderment. I have so many ambitions and dreams. I don't want to become jaded. I want to be an actress and win more oscars than Katharine Hepburne (she won four, most won for best actress category). You know what? Fuck it. I will be the person I want to be. I will have the life I want. There will be times when I get insecure but it'll only fuel my desire. Stay positive in your dreams and if your dreams don't scare you, then they aren't big enough. And that's one to grow on.