Mistakes and Why They're Awesome

Mistakes. Let that word sink in. You've made a mistake somewhere down the road. Maybe it was job related or maybe it was even a mistake in love. I think now a-days, or maybe always, "mistake" is a societal dirty word.  For some deluded reason, we expect ourselves to act perfectly on everything we do. Perfect may be too strong of a word because I have a feeling who ever is reading this is thinking to themselves "I don't expect myself to act perfect. Perfect is impossible, duh." But I assure you, if you beat yourself up for a mistake, you had a certain expectation on how that situation would turn out. And your expectation was in all likelihood your ideal or "perfect" outcome. 

But the fact of the matter is mistakes are beautiful because without them not only do we learn from them but also we become better people. Yes, we know what to do next time. At first, when you realize you made a mistake you know you cannot fix, the feeling burns in your chest. You become amazed at yourself for doing something so foolish in the moment you think of a million ways you could possibly fix it, even considering the ones were you loose your pride. You become desperate to fix it and it shows. But in all reality, nothing can be done. Once a mistake is committed, its gone and in its full affect. If your angry at yourself, let yourself be angry. If you want to cry, fucking cry. Scream! Yell! Curse! You have to let yourself feel your emotions because if you don't let them out when they first come to being, you'll suppress them and they will fester in your core. Then after, do something you could be proud of. Make something out of your shame. Sit down and write (to yourself or make it intended to be seen.. where did you think this blog was coming from?) Stand up and paint. Go on a run. Let. It. Out. Love yourself. Love that you felt something so horrible and so out of your good hearted character that you could make something so beautiful or beat your best time. It obviously doesn't have to be art or fitness related. Those two things are personal to me. Thats how I let things go and move on from them. Do whatever you have to do. 

Mistakes are not the culprit here. The culprit is the suppressed emotions that inevitably make it hard to let it go. You are not always going to feel bad. The feeling will pass. I promise. Nothing is permanent. And that is such a wonderful thing about life. Its a balance. Without the bad, the good just isn't as good. Being sick for a week makes you damn happy and appreciative when you feel healthy again. Its all in how you choose to feel about it after. You can't always help how you feel in the moment. I'm a very logical and a clear thinker when it comes to how I feel in most moments. But sometimes, I can't help myself in that split second not to feel angry, ashamed, jealous, etc. But I can choose how to react once that initial emotion has expressed itself. 

I realize that the last paragraph could be related to more than just mistakes. But frankly, most unpleasant feelings comes from someones mistake somewhere. It's okay. It really is. Say sorry to those you need to, including yourself, and hope that recognizing you made a mistake will allow the universe, God, Buddha, Karma, time to fix it. In five years from now, it will only matter because you'll know better. Or maybe (more likely) you completely forgot about it. Accept yourself and your mistakes. You're human, and thats what makes you absolutely wonderful and powerful to choose. 

The Hook Up Culture

I've taken a leave of absence from blogging, there is no particular reason as to why. I often think I need to blog just to get out all these thoughts that occur to me whilst in college and dealing with the idea of adulthood/womanhood. Why now? Well world, I have had one of my nights were I have not slept at all. And I really mean that I have not slept one minute. It is currently 7:18 am on January 20 and I have been up since 11 am or so yesterday morning. This will hurt later. However, I started thinking about what I had heard recently called the 'hook-up culture' by a friend then thought "what the fuck, I'll blog about it'.

Hooking up is in fact a part of our culture. Especially for us young'uns. Every person has their own idea of what it is and then there is the societal conventions we all agree on. I hate to act like your mom or grandpa but I do think the music we listen to influences our ideals on how we view certain concepts. Lots of songs are about getting shit faced then 'getting drunk bitches' (picture Steve Carell from 40 Year Old Virgin stating that line so you can feel my awkwardness). What is with this idea that you have to get a woman drunk to sleep with her? I know its not always easy guys, but come on. Thats lame, weak, sad, etc. I get wanting to just have sex. Fine. But why make a girl so incoherent that not only will it not feel good for the both of you but there is so much shame after? Do it once. Get it out of your system, if thats your reasoning. But to do it every weekend is just fucking sad. Really? Your not that much of a man to grow some balls and find a good little fuck buddy? And ladies.. why have such a lack of respect for yourself? 

I'm not sure I get all the deets on hooking up but I can tell you thats what almost everyone is talking about in college. I am such an awkward turtle. I don't know what the fuck I am doing or what to say. I do want to point out that I am also the kind of girl, who has on occasion, laughed at guys who hit on her.. I know thats awful. I don't mean it to be mean. I just laugh out of nervousness I guess. When I was in high school, I had very high opinions on hooking up. Granted, then I thought hooking up was just making out. Hell, I still don't know what exactly constitutes as a 'hook-up'. Is it Second? A home run? A hit and run? All of the above? For Christ's sakes I am 20 and I really have no idea how I fit into this aspect of my own culture. I'm about to get real personal. My relationship status is still undefined. For now, we'll deal with college single Sonora. You see, College Sonora is in love with someone she can't justify being with right now. So, in the mean time, she'll have a little fun, right? NOPE. Each time I've tried anything, it's blown up in my face some way shape or form. 

The first guy I was with in college, and I mean really with, like dated and the whole nine, was just a giant fucking mess. I went from someone emotionally stable, handsome, took care of himself, all around great guy to the exact opposite. Well, this new guy was unconventionally handsome. I liked him for what he had to say and how he said it. My roommate described his mind perfectly as "beautifully tragic". And thats what he was/is. But someone thats emotionally unstable, has an addictive personality and can never truly be single is NOT, and I repeat, NOT a good guy to have around if you want to just hook up. You will most likely develop feelings for this emotional wreck not because you want to fix him or even want to be with him but because in his own way, it's enduring and unfortunately draws you in. I don't want to carry on with this one but my lesson to myself is if you want to just sleep with someone, really make sure you make it clear that you don't want anything else to happen. And if that changes, make it work or end it that second that you realize it's different and not worth it. It sucks more when your the one who wanted to end it first and they beat you to the punch when your drunk, at a bar and your night just got started.  

Moving on. My next experience was worse, believe it or not. Long story short, thought I met the perfect hook up partner. Really tall (I like them TALL), older, works out, sort of blonde, blah blah blah. We.. for lack of a better word.. bonded over our complicated relationships and to my understanding he was single, I was single, lets get it on. Come to find out the next morning (all we did was make out and I did sleep over) he was in fact not single. I told him to leave me alone and I didn't want to see him again. Frankly, he's a creep. He calls me a few days later, tells me he broke up with her. Apparently, not only does he get back with his girlfriend that following weekend but also sleeps with other girls. First time I was ever called a whore, by the way, and hopefully the last. I didn't even like him enough to deal with it. So I really told him to leave me alone, with a few other choice words, and he did not leave me alone for a few weeks after. I am told my cold shoulders are mean and he got them. Now he is slightly terrified of me, this 6'4, 250 or so LBS kid is terrified of little old me at 5'5 and 125 LBS. There were many signs I didn't want to go all the way with him (disclaimer, I never did.. thank the universe). For one, every time I slept over I would tell him I wanted to leave and he convinced me on staying for the night. And the whole time I was there I kept thinking how badly I wanted to leave his bed and never come back. So moral of this one is, ladies, if you feel it in your gut that this guy is a creep or you just don't like him at all.. stay away. Those guys get weird super fast.

And my last story for this morning is my least favorite because it just proves to me how bad I am at this hooking up thing. I am an awesome girlfriend but I don't know what I'm doing with the 'hook up culture'. This guy was another older one (all these guys are older, fun fact) who I was crushing on hard. I saw him and he was my first real crush since high school. I really don't want to give any details on who this guy is but all I will say is I got my chance. He was in my bed a few times and I was in his. And guess what. We made out and absolutely nothing happened. Apparently this was the kind of guy who loses interest fast and boy, did he. I couldn't tell you what happened other than every time something was about to happen, I lost my cool. I am a calm, cool and collected person. But I could not hold my ground with this one. I was way too vulnerable and for no good reason. When said person ignored my one text post weird night at his place, I beat myself up a little, emphasis on the little. Why didn't you do what you wanted to do? You had this one! It was easy! But that was it.. it was just easy! It was so uncomfortable how easy it was to sleep with that guy. There was no challenge, no mystery... and now when I think about it, he's the exact kind of guy I never like being around. A womanizer. A girl who can play the game would have walked in, walked out and accomplished it. No harm no foul. I don't get the game. I don't like playing games. I will tell you straight up what I want. And if I am too uncomfortable to tell you what I want, then clearly I shouldn't want you. 

I am proud I didn't sleep with the last two. Either way it would have been a walk-of-shame-but-in-the-worst-kind-of-way. Contrary to how I felt leaving the latter's place, I know what I did was right for me. And I suppose thats what it all comes down to. If you're okay with this whole culture, can handle it and you're not hurting yourself nor those involved then its all good. Obviously your going to make one or two mistakes along the way but hey, you know, thats fucking life man. What I have learned through these three major-ish occurrences is that I don't enjoy just sleeping with anybody, I'm an awesome girlfriend but not the greatest girl to hook up with. I take myself a little too seriously. I love the club and dancing up on a few guys and I'll probably make out with you if I like you enough.. but sleep with you? Eh, I don't think so buddy. But hey, thats my path. Like Paul Rudd said in the 40 Year Old Virgin "Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man."

Yes, love is all you need.

As I sit here, listening to my favorite love songs, my mind is racing. I am not ashamed to admit that I adore anything having to do with love. And not Nicholas Sparks kind of love (although I do love The Notebook. JUDGE ME) and definitely not tacky Valentines Day "oh honey it's the one time of year I do something nice for you!" kind of shit. I'm talking dramatic, redioulous, brutal, unleashing love. The kind were it hurts yet is the best feeling you have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. The kind thats real. 

When I was a pre-adolescent, I became fascinated with falling in love. I saw a movie (one mentioned above) and my imagination went wild. I could not, for the life of me, stop thinking about love. So, for better or worse, I started to make up my future 'first love'; how we would meet and the whole shebang. I mean, I went to town on this fantasy! I named him and everything. 

*Que. british movie voice* His name was Josh Adams. He had dark brown hair that almost looked black yet had a hint of red (legit, this is what I wrote down in a notebook). He was fit and into animals, outdoorsy things, strong yet sensitive, and some more cliché female things. Our story was that of best friends who both love each other but never say it then find out when it's too late blah blah blah. I'm talking too much of Mr. Adams. The point is, I was in love with the idea of being in love.   

Then, when I was seventeen, I actually fell in love. It wasn't what I anticipated. I mean, my twelve year old self did a really good job writing heart breaking poetry. But the actual feeling is something is quite different. It makes you realize things you didn't before, like, how everything seems possible. It feels almost as if you have been hibernating your whole life and you just woke up. Things are brighter than they were when you were a naive child (which I miss!). You literally love this person for everything that they are and would do absolutely anything for them. Sounds crazy, but I would jump off a cliff for this kid. Me or him, it's him. He is no Josh Adams. He's better than I could have ever imagined or dreamt of. And thats the true beauty of love. It really is blind and knows no boundaries. You love people you would never think you could love. It's not a negative thing at all. It's whats so enduring about love. 

I would love to hash out all the details of my love.. well.. thats a lie. I don't want to. It's too personal, honestly. But I do, however, want to talk about my absolute belief in soul mates. The greeks believed that every human started out with four arms, legs, eyes, etc. But Zeus decided to spilt the human into two and make them spend their whole lives searching for each other. It makes sense why Zeus would torture humans, greek Gods loved showing us how inferior we are. Anyway, I'm not saying that I believe in any particular religion but somewhere in the cosmic, the soul is (or was) created.

 I like to think that souls are created in two. And every past life we have had, that other soul was with us too. Fate always brings soul mates together, but that doesn't mean that souls end up together every life. It would be wonderful if the opposite were true but nothings perfect. If it's not this life, and you've been kind and have racked up those karma points, it's your next life. And you know what bothers me? When people point out that their are a billion people on this planet so how could you possibly have a soul mate? Souls just know how to find each other. Thats the point! I sound like a whack job. Honestly, I'm not too keen on talking about what I believe in. It's too personal (I'm getting redundant). Oh well, my new boldness says "fuck it!". I'm aware not everyone will agree with me. It's called belief for a reason. 

What I have noticed, people seem more willing to give up the person they love when their younger. It's usually for selfish reasons. Then you hear from older people "successes is nothing unless you have someone to share it with" and the classic "you don't know what you have 'till it's gone". I guess its true.. youth is wasted on the young. Just like my dreams I have so much faith in love. I believe with every fiber of my being I will end up with my soul mate. I won't let go because I know I'll regret it if I didn't at least fight for him. You can have everything you think you've ever wanted, but something will be missing. You'll feel it deep down to your bones (I'm only nineteen so this is all my speculation). 

As the ever-so-famous band once sung "all you need is love" the more I think about it, the more I believe it. Although there are other factors to relationships,  I've seen soul mates end up together. And they persevere.  

Relentless Youth

I feel like this period I am in is the second most insecure time of my life. The first being the relentless brutality of puberty. But theres something about being on the bridge of college and adulthood. I recently turned nineteen and it was one of the first times (of many, most likely) that I realized I am getting older. Next year I am going to enter a whole new decade. The decade that always seemed so dazzling to me. Twenties being the perfect time for a young woman, in my eyes. So many wonderful things seem to take place in a twenty-something's life. However, I'm already missing the things I had when I was comfortable enough to say I was a teenager.

I was a pretty easy teenager. I wasn't too hormonal and even when I was I wasn't all that bad. Even as a teen, I tried my damnedest to enjoy high school and engross myself in being a kid. That's what I miss, the fact that I was still a kid in some ways. I know it's only been one semester of college and I'm still young, but these thoughts of insecurity of my actual future tends to bother me. The career I think I am destined for seems so much more lucrative and difficult. I have no doubts in myself and my ability to succeed, at all. I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that it's all up to me now. I'm an ''adult'' more then I was when I turned the legal age. 

It doesn't help that I think I chose the wrong college. I'm having such a hard time meeting people that I connect with. It's tiring, really, worrying about making friends. I felt that way when I was a freshman in high school and I feel it all over again. I thought I grew from that awkward time and now I feel as if I've fallen back there. I enjoy meeting people and talking, a lot, so why is it so hard for me? I just don't know why. 

I want to transfer but I'm afraid of leaving Manhattan. I have so many opportunities surrounding me. I mean, in one semester of school, I've seen and met over five celebrities. The list includes: Jake Gyllenhaal (I cried after, embarrassingly enough), Jessie Eisenberg, Robert Di Niro, Bradley Cooper, James Lipton, Kayne West, Two Chains (not a fan but whatever!), and that may be it. I might be missing someone. So, how many more people will I have the chance to see?! It's Manhattan. It creates dreams.

I just don't ever want to loose my sense of wonderment. I have so many ambitions and dreams. I don't want to become jaded. I want to be an actress and win more oscars than Katharine Hepburne (she won four, most won for best actress category). You know what? Fuck it. I will be the person I want to be. I will have the life I want. There will be times when I get insecure but it'll only fuel my desire. Stay positive in your dreams and if your dreams don't scare you, then they aren't big enough. And that's one to grow on. 

Hello, Blogging World

I've been wanting to start a blog for a long time. I just never really thought I had much to say. But now I've realized what I wanted to share with the interwebs. Maybe an introduction is in order? I'm Sonora. Freshly out of high school (two months now). I start college early September in the greatest city in the world, New York City. More specifically, Manhattan. I have been going through a growing period, I suppose. I am beyond excited for college. But I am leaving somethings behind. I'm leaving behind the security of high school, the security of my parents, the security of my relationship. My boyfriend is going to school is Florida. I don't know why he thinks it's so amazing but he does. 

What this all is leading to is that I really feel like I'm starting to learn more about myself as this summer comes to a close. One of my favorite quotes and a great lesson to be learned is "fashion is the armor to survive everyday life". So thats what I am doing. I'm surviving through fashion. Or at least I want to. I'll admit that I haven't really been going any where to try out my new-found self. I have been listening to different types of music to adjust. Music, fashion, movies, painting, drawing, everything art is, I plan on focusing on for the rest of my life. I've been drawing better, playing guitar better, acting better. It's amazing what heart break does to the artist. 

So on to this blog, I would like to share with you my new-found bodaciousness. I plan on being bolder. I've always been good at that but it'll only get better. Even if only my friends or family read this, it doesn't really matter. This is more for me. It'll push me to try something new everyday. Today is just a introduction day but my next blog should be something spectacular. 

One more thing, lets see what this thing evolves to. Who really knows how their blog will turn out?